Shenanigans

I feel that I live a semi-interesting life and have been journaling lately. I spontaneously decided to write for others to read instead. Maybe reading my nonsense may help someone else; maybe me knowing that someone else can read it, will help me. Regardless, here goes nothing. I can’t really tell you what to expect from all of this, or even narrow it down to a specific genre. I just plan to put all that consumes my mind into this blog and whatever I deem worthy to tell others about.
I have been through so much in my life and feel like telling the world a piece of it, and possibly over-dramatizing the rest. Besides, being dramatic is what I’ve been told that I do best. So, let’s see how this goes…

Featured post

Give her the love she needs, not just what you feel is acceptable.

She needs more from you. You may not understand why she is the way she is; she will forever be a mystery. However, if she gives you all of the tools needed to make her feel loved, use them. She isn’t like this because of you; it’s just who she is. You may see it as needy but we all love differently. You see love as providing for her financially and being there with your presence, but that isn’t the love that she desires. She can pay her own bills. What she craves is affection. A hug when you see her for the first time in a day, holding hands while you walk together, pulling her close to you in the shower just to feel your naked bodies on each other, a kiss at the end of the night before turning over to sleep; this is how love is shown to her. No relationship mimics another, they are all different. Do not make her feel crazy for feeling the way that she does. It is who she is and she will not stray from it. She loves with all that is in her. Just know that you hold you heart in the palm of her hand and can control her every emotion with as little as a look in her direction. Love her, accept her, cherish her, adapt for her. It may not be easy, but I guarantee you she is more that worth it.

Blissful

Sitting here in this coffee shop at a table across from my love, everything starts to hit me and it’s all so surreal. Did we really make it this far? We have been through so much together. I never would have guessed that we would have made it here. I couldn’t be happier though. There are still a lot of issues that we need to fix, but we are both trying and willing to look past the past and move forward. Isn’t that what matters? We have a love that I know can surpass anything. It’s hard to find words to express how I feel right now, yet I attempt to. I look up from my laptop and he catches me gazing at him with love struck eyes. Lost in this bliss, I can imagine my future with him. Oh, the places we’ll go; the memories we’ll make together. I am stressed financially and worried about what my next step is; yet at the same time, I truly couldn’t be happier.

Reputations

Sometimes, reputations are the absolute worst. Yes, you gave the ammunition for people to make these assumptions about you which create certain reputations; the worst part is when you have changed/want to change and no one will believe you because they have no reason to based on prior habits. It’s so frustrating. You wanna understand, but if they want change so badly, why not just have a little faith and trust. Trust. Definitely not an easy word to put into action; especially after being broken so many times. You can’t have a successful relationship without it though. So, I sit here now asking you all what to do next. I mean, you can hope in one hand and shit in another and we know which one will fill up faster. I’m at a loss. Sighs. Gonna call it a night and sleep on it and wish it to magically fix itself tomorrow. While I’m making ridiculous wishes, I wish to be debt free. Night.

My heart is full

It has been a while since my last post. Firstly, I am currently regretting how long I chose to do these nails; it’s a bitch to type. Secondly, me and non-boyfriend worked everything out. We both put it all out there and my ex and I decided to move on and let each other go in hopes that we may each find happiness. Nbf and I are now officially bf and gf. We are all in, and truly want to give this a chance. We have both decided to work on things that we need to, and to stand by each other and help each other grow. Things are going very well. I took him to meet my family on the fourth of July. He’s a very likeable person, yet I was more nervous than I led on. Everything went very well. All in all, I couldn’t be happier. That’s it on that topic. He’s amazing, treats me well, and makes me happy.

New chapter 

Thus begins a new chapter. I knew what I had to do. It was time. I walked up to him and, after a lengthy conversation about our forever love, told him goodbye. I had been needing to do this for a while. No more safety net. It’s time for me to fly on my own and trust myself to stand up and, if I must fall, fall alone. It’s time for me to rely on myself to make the right decisions. I choose to move on. I choose to be happy. I wish the same for him. Until our paths cross again, goodbye. 

My heart should be used to this…

I find myself laying on only the right side of the bed as if you’re returning to your side soon. You aren’t, though. You’re gone. I finally pushed you far enough away for you to come to your senses and stop coming back. I don’t blame you for one second. I understand that I am a force to be reckoned with and cannot be controlled. I won’t lie; my heart is broken over the loss of you. I knew we would never last, yet I hoped we would’ve lasted longer. You deserve the world and I’m sorry that I couldn’t give it to you. I love you and wish only the best for you. You were the best mistake I ever made. Now, I will watch you walk away leaving my heart in my hands broken and yet again alone to put the pieces back together. 

letting go isn’t always easy

I would like to say that I won’t miss you, but that would be a lie. I loved you. Scratch that, I still love you; but it’s time for me to let you go. It seems like just yesterday that we would curl up on the couch together watching movies followed by a nice shower then hours in bed “trying to go to sleep”. Those memories will forever be cherished, but it’s time for you to just be a memory for me. I have invested so much time and emotion into us, but the bad times are starting to outweigh the good, so that’s my cue to exit. I don’t want to ruin the image I have of you, so please allow me to walk away as easily as can be. I don’t doubt that you loved me, but I have a feeling that you knew I would never be your forever. I wish you all the best in the world and know you will achieve great things. I hope you learned something from our relationship. I hope you grew as much as I did. I hope you meet someone who is your perfect fit, like I knew I wasn’t. Take your spare toothbrush out of my bathroom, and empty your clothes out of my dresser. I’d like you to return to me my house keys, and in doing so, the key to my heart. Goodbye.

a little less lost

Today I’m feeling just a little less lost than yesterday. I can’t quite tell you what my next step is; all I know is what I don’t want to do anymore. I don’t want to work in a dead end job. I don’t want to be in this non-relationship with someone who hasn’t yet decided if I am worth giving their time or heart to. I don’t want to be someone’s option when there is someone out there who wants me to be his one-and-only someday. I need to be by myself for a little while. I need to spend more time with my family and friends. I need to find my way and base my choices on what I want/need, instead of basing them on others and how it makes them see me. I need to be selfish. I need to stop comparing myself to others and just be better than I was last year, and the year before. I know I can do this. I know I hold more potential than I am taking advantage of at this time in my life. I know what I need to do; I just don’t really know yet how I am going to go about doing it. Lord, guide me. I need Your help.

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