Featured

Shenanigans

I feel that I live a semi-interesting life and have been journaling lately. I spontaneously decided to write for others to read instead. Maybe reading my nonsense may help someone else; maybe me knowing that someone else can read it, will help me. Regardless, here goes nothing. I can’t really tell you what to expect from all of this, or even narrow it down to a specific genre. I just plan to put all that consumes my mind into this blog and whatever I deem worthy to tell others about.
I have been through so much in my life and feel like telling the world a piece of it, and possibly over-dramatizing the rest. Besides, being dramatic is what I’ve been told that I do best. So, let’s see how this goes…

Advertisements

Motivation

Motivation: what you do when you find this will change your life.

Now, I’m not some famous writer about to tell you that a little motivation and pushing myself helped me to become a published author or anything. I’m just your ordinary Jane Doe with a laptop and a passion.

Throughout the last decade my father has told me that I should pursue my passion and God-given talent and make a career out of writing; I never did. For years, I found myself diving from one dead-end job to another. Frustrated, I would cry to family and friends and tell them how difficult life was and that I felt as if I had wasted yet another year of my life. I found another job that I swore was promising and proceeded to either ruin my chances for opportunity for growth due to ignorant mistakes, or just get bored and quit. I found myself giving up on everything just as quickly as I had started.

Jobs weren’t the only thing I seemed unable to hold onto; relationships were a major fail as well. Don’t get me wrong, I was an amazing girlfriend when I wanted to be. I even had multiple long term relationships; but something was missing. I didn’t know how to stay strong through the hard times, or maybe I just didn’t have the desire to put in that much effort. Even when I thought I had found true love, my actions showed me otherwise.

For a few consistent years of my life, I made health and exercise a priority.  I found it, initially, as a sort of therapy and way to get out of my head, or deeper into it. I’m not really sure to be exact. Exhausting myself through cardio or weight lifting made me feel alive and in control. Eating well and taking care of myself gave me an energy like no other. I was known amongst family and friends to be the “fit” one. My life revolved around my health and it kept me sane. Then, I stopped. Just like the other areas of my life, I quit. That doesn’t mean I’m overweight now by any means; but I’m far from healthy and where I’d like to be.

Fast forward through the blur of many years of mistakes and lessons learned to where I am now.  At twenty-eight years old, I quit yet another job and another relationship and moved back into my fathers house. I couldn’t believe that I was about to start over again at my age. Can you imagine how depressing it was at first? I looked around to see my old classmates and coworkers and the lives they had built for themselves; and here I was back at square one. I allowed it to break me down for a while. I sulked and drank my sorrows away. Instead of taking advantage of a new beginning, I decided to dig a hole to hide my head in as if that would magically make things better.

Finally, I decided to make a change. I picked myself up and found a new job (which I have since then replaced due to God putting something better in my path). I let go of the heartache of past relationships that was weighing me down and controlling too much of my mind and heart and allowed myself to find true love like never before. I moved into an apartment with my boyfriend and I began to pray again daily. I listened to uplifting music instead of entertaining the kind of music that would steer me toward a negative emotion. I started running again and slowly began to find myself. God started to heal my heart and show me the good that was in my life. He showed me that though I had made some pretty bad decisions, I wasn’t a bad person. One morning a man asked me what my motivation was. I was surprised that I did’t even have to hesitate to answer. I discovered that the people whom I found to be my motivation had been there all along; my family.

I put so much of my feelings and effort for many many years into the wrong things, the wrong people. My constant supporters have been my family. I love my parents and siblings with all of my heart, but my true soft spot lies with my nieces and nephews. From the moment I held my first nephew Xavier in my arms in the hospital, I knew my life would never be the same. Sadly, I lost sight of what was truly important for a while, but I won’t let that happen again. Living on this side of town near my siblings, I am able to see my nieces and nephews as often as I’d like. I can pop by my sisters house for a family dinner or easily swing by my brothers to pick up my nephew for a pool day. The beaming smiles on their faces when they see their Tia is all the motivation I need to become a better person. I desire, more than anything, to be someone they are proud to have in their lives. I strive to grow and love like never before. My family now, and the family that my loving boyfriend and I will have together someday, are my constant motivation. What’s yours?

…and then one day, you meet the one who makes it all worth it

There are many different kinds of relationships you will experience in life. In no particular order, you will have the relationship that introduces your “first love”, the one that you jump into to escape the heartbreak of the previous,  the one that will develop for years bringing you to believe that you have found “your soulmate”, the one that will last a few months with no regrets, but no future, and then finally, there’s that special final one. After so much pain and heart ache, it hits you. You realize that all of the lessons learned from the years of past relationships have brought you here. You meet your person and have this insane magnetic connection. With a simple kiss, fire ignites deep within your soul and your broken heart begins to heal. It’s as if you can’t remember what your reason for waking up every morning was before having them in your life. Your heart overflows with love and a smile has become tattooed on your face. Sleeping seems unnecessary; your reality feels better than any dream possibly could. Finding words to describe this sensation is nearly impossible, but you just want the world to know how happy you are.

Personally, I just want to show gratitude to you, Mr. First love, for showing me how to give my heart to someone without hesitation. I ask for forgiveness, Mr. Rebound, for taking advantage of you in my heartbreak; you deserved better and I hope you have found it. I appreciate you, Mr. Long-term, for being my best friend and partner for the many years that I needed you and teaching me so many lessons in life. But surprisingly, more than them all, I want to thank you, Mr. Conclusion; whether your actions were right or wrong, you helped me get passed some hard times and let go of things and people that I may not have been able to on my own. Without me letting go, my heart would have never made it to where it is now. I admire the effort you put in, hold close to my heart some of the wonderful memories we made, and pray that you find the kind of unconditional love that I am lucky enough to have found today. I thank you all for teaching me so much about the different levels of love and preparing my heart and mind for the man that I am supposed to spend my life with.

For my one and only, I love you just doesn’t seem to grasp how deeply I feel for you. To say that you complete me seems so cheesy, but more true than ever. You are everything that I have ever wanted and needed. My heart is at peace and so full and though it feels impossible, I swear I fall more and more in love with you every day. Baby, you are the love of my life and I am never letting you go. I promise to always make you feel loved and appreciated. I promise to be your best friend and biggest fan. I promise to cherish you and never take you for granted. I promise to do everything in my power to keep the same smile on your face that you constantly keep on mine. I promise to grow with you and motivate you. I promise to be strong for you on the days you feel weak. I promise to protect your heart with my all. I promise to never stop thanking God for bringing you into my life. Thank you for loving me. I can hardly wait to spend the rest of forever with you.

 

this is what dreams are made of

We met in my dreams last night; this time was different. It’s as if my subconscious knows that both of our realities have changed, so it changed the way I usually saw you in my dreams. I used to look forward to the nights that you would visit me. This time, you didn’t show up alone; you brought her with you. More than that, the house we were in was no longer ours, but was yours together now. We talked over tea and spoke of the goings on in our separate lives. It was crazy to be sitting there needing to “catch up” when we once communicated all day, every day. She asked you if you wanted a refill on your tea. Without hesitation, I blurted out that too much caffeine gives you headaches and peaks your anxiety. She looked at me and politely smiled. I couldn’t help it. I knew you better than she did, but it was her time to learn. An hour passed so quickly and before I knew, it was time to go. We hugged each other goodbye and gazed into one another’s eyes with a look as if to say, “I’ll always love you, but it’s time to let go”. I thanked her for her hospitality then drove away from the house I once called my home. I parked at my new home, sat in my car, and just allowed myself to process everything. Things were different than I had ever thought they’d be, but that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. I hear a ringing; louder and louder it gets, then suddenly I awaken. My eyes slowly peel open to see the sunshine beaming through the slightly opened curtain. I hit the snooze on my noisy alarm clock and sit up in bed. I pick up my phone to see a text from hours ago with the name “Boyfriend” on it. He tells me that He is going to sleep and that he loves me. Crazy thing is, I love him too. I am at peace more than ever because I know that my best friend is happy, but also I am happy. Time has passed and this is it. I could never imagine that life would be this way. I swore this was a fairy tale, but it’s not. He is my prince charming. Joseph Garza is the love of my life and I have made peace with my past and I am more than ready for my future. I only pray that he loves me as much as I love him.

Love is:

Looking at you and seeing my entire world.

Hearing your dorky laugh that sounds like you just discovered something (aHA!).

Feeling hypnotized by every word that comes out of your mouth.

Studying your breathtaking features and praying that our future children take after your genes.

Finding out your favorite band and willing myself to listen to them in hopes of attending a concert with you someday and putting a cheesy smile on your face.

Knowing that I can have the absolute best time with you without doing a damn thing.

Desiring to understand the way you think, your wants, your goals.

Believing in you and pushing you to always be better; for you, for us, for our future.

Watching you with my nephew and picturing what a great father you may be someday.

Facing scary things in life, but worrying less because I know you will be by my side.

Love is finally being happy with the present and not just impatiently waiting for it all to get better “in the future”.

I want us to grow, to evolve; but I can honestly say that I have never been happier in my entire life. I love you, baby, and I can hardly wait to have an adventurous  life with you.

1/2/2018

So far, this has been the best year yet. I ended New Years Eve night/New Years morning making memories with my significant other. As mentioned previously, we have been dating for a little while now. NYE night, he got down on one knee and with a sour watermelon ring pop, fake proposed to me asking me to be his girlfriend officially. It was absolutely adorable. Not that I had any desire to, but could any girl really deny that? Of course not. He is the sweetest person ever and so very thoughtful. I had joked about a ring pop in the past and he remembered the flavor and all to make it that much more special. I excitedly accepted this new relationship and look forward to seeing what this year has in store for us. I’ll keep you all posted, but know that if I haven’t checked in, it’s because I am out living life and allowing myself to love and be happy again.

welcome 2018

To say that 2017 was tough would be the understatement of the year. I went through a lot; most of what I brought on myself. Regardless, I endured it; we all did.

Today is the first day of a new year, a clean slate for us all. Make new goals, push forward with everything you have, believe in yourself, grow, take note of the lessons learned in previous years, make a difference and just be better. Leave your sorrows in the past and allow yourself to mov2018e on. Let yourself be vulnerable to love, get a new job if you’re unhappy with your current one, free yourself of negative people in your life, get out of your comfort zone. Stop letting everyone else’s actions or emotions dictate how you live your life. Put control in God’s hands and trust that He will guide you throughout this year and make it one to remember.

I’m excited for what 2018 has in store for me and plan on putting myself out there to make the most of it all. I brought in this year jumping out of the shower with just a few minutes until midnight and rushed to the television to witness the countdown. This is the first year ever that I have welcomed the new year alone, yet I was completely content with it. I began this year with a prayer thanking God for another year and for all that He has done for me and my loved ones, and prayed for safety for those out tonight. I feel that so far I have started the year on the right path. Now, I will patiently wait for my dearest to get home from work so I can claim my New Years Kiss and begin this year blissfully with a heart full of love. This will be my best year yet, and friends, I pray it be yours as well.

 

HAPPY NEW YEAR!