These past 15 months have been hands-down the hardest of my short life. It started with a break-up on my 27th birthday, to another break-up a little over a year later. The end of August last year, I moved out of my home where I resided with my boyfriend. I stayed on my sister’s couch until figuring out my next move. My best friend stepped up and let me live with her for the next month while we looked for a new place to move together. I purchased a vehicle in September since I had been sharing one for the last couple of years with my now recent ex. Come October 1st, my best friend and I moved into our new place. So many changes in such little time. To others, I seemed okay. I had picked up my life and moved it elsewhere, and was making it just fine. Only a couple of people knew how broken I really was. My soon-to-be-boyfriend was one of those people. He was a co-worker of mine and was really there for me, even when I didn’t want him to be. For some reason, he chose me to try to fix. He has a habit of trying to help those that can’t seem to help themselves at the moment. I am so grateful to have had him in my life. For the next few months, I drank my sorrows away and just made things worse. I couldn’t deal with the fact that I lost the love of my life and best friend in losing my ex. My heart was shattered and felt beyond repair. This coworker, Adonis, we shall call him, never gave up on me. I lied and manipulated and used him, yet there he stayed taking every punch I threw. Months went by and we told ourselves we were just “friends with benefits”, but no one believed us; the truth would soon reveal itself. We fought and said and did things to hurt each other belittling our feelings for each other. Months went by and we faced the inevitable; we became a couple. I fell for him. I loved him. I will not belittle our relationship in using it as past tense. I still love him and a part of me always will. I cannot imagine where I would be without him. It’s crazy the people that come into your life when you least expect it and how much they end up meaning to you. In the year that we spent together, we went through so much. Let me rephrase that, I put him through so much. He was far from perfect, yet didn’t deserve even half of it. How lucky was I to have such a man love me. I ruined it, as I do everything. Lucky for him. I know he will go on and make a difference in this world. He is a force to be reckoned with and anyone who knows him is lucky to have him in their lives. I only regret the burden I brought on him. However, I pray that whether good or bad, I taught him as much as he has taught me. Who knows if our paths may meet in the future. If they do, I pray we are ready, or I pray God makes us friends, because I meant it when I said I couldn’t imagine my life without him. Here I am living, yet I think about him every day and pray for him and the bright future that I know he has. Vaya Con Dios, Adonis. I believe in you; I always have.
She wakes up in a new city, in a new house, yet her broken heart remains. This feeling of loneliness is something that she will never be able to escape. “Save me”, she screams on the inside; but no one hears. She puts up this front as if she can carry the weight of the world. Laughing off everything easily and with sarcasm. She portrays an easy going life; all the while on the inside, she awakes every morning willing herself out of bed to face the day, knowing it will be just as miserable as the last. “You can do this”, she motivates herself; “It will get better”, she hopes. Come back to me tomorrow. I’ll let you know if it is any different. As of now, it hurts to breathe. It pains me to think of you; even worse to know that you are with someone else. Broken. So broken. Forever I will be.
One year ago my best friend and I got a townhome together. We were both going through a lot and were leaning on each other for support. We signed on the line for a 12 month lease and took our friendship to the next level. Many told us that living with a friend can often ruin the relationship. I’m so proud to say that it only strengthened our friendship. Late nights on the couch binge watching Netflix with our wine glasses in hand, talking until the sun came up, lying next to each other in silence just to feel comforted by one another’s presence; I cherished all of these moments. I remember moments where we were both feeling so low and broken. You would walk in the door and I could see you drowning in defeat as thick as a blanket. You came to me on the couch and I just held you as you fell apart. Fast forward a few weeks and we switched roles and you would do the same for me. We shared a closet, I’ll definitely miss that. We shared a cat, although I’ve always loathed them, I’ll surprisingly miss Sergeant Tibbs. I will miss walking in the door and yelling, “Honey, I’m home!”, or shouting “Marco” waiting for your “Polo” to find out if you were upstairs or down. I love you so much and miss you already. Thank you for always being there for me. Initially upon move-in, I felt out of place, refusing to let my past go; but in the end, together, we made our house a home.
I remember starting off last weekend feeling sorry for myself because I had to cancel my birthday trip to Austin with my boyfriend. We expected a storm, but what we got was something unimaginable. Friday, August 25, 2017, I drove to my boyfriend’s job at Costco to leave my car in parking garage over the weekend for fear of flooding and ride with him home. They offered him overtime due to the massive amount of people shopping in preparation for Harvey. I decided to be productive with my time while waiting so headed to Home Depot. The warehouse was packed with people purchasing supplies. I stood in one long line to get fifteen bags of sand, then stood in another just as long to pay for them. Before the storm even began, I saw glimpses of the unity that would soon be wonderfully displayed throughout the city. Workers at Home Depot loaded my sand bags onto a flat bed, a gentlemen seeing my petite self struggling to pull the weight of fifteen 60 lb bags to the front grabbed and pulled it to the front for me, after paying more home depot workers loaded my car, and even the maintence men at my apartments unloaded and stacked the sand bags outside the doors of my home for me. I had more time to spare and expected power outages so ran to the dollar store for candles. Even the dollar store was packed! I returned to Costco, left my car parked there and drove off with my boyfriend in his. He purchased cases of water and non perishable food from work; we stopped at his parents home as well as two other friends homes to deliver those items, then headed back to my place to settle in and prepare for this storm.
Friday night, not much happened. A little bit of rain, but nothing close to what was rumored to come. My boyfriend and I even went out and got sushi for dinner, though the restaurant closed early. I refuse to pay for cable that won’t be used in my house, so used a small antenna that only showed ABC 13. That was good enough to keep us updated on Harvey. Here it was, Saturday, the 26th, and like a thief in the night, Harvey snuck in and hit us hard nonstop throughout the night. The amount of rain we were receiving was breathtaking. Restless, I continued watching the news as my boyfriend fell into a peaceful slumber. Another hour passes and I am in dire need of filling my mind with something aside from the uncontrollable weather so I pop in a movie. Afterwards, I forced myself to turn off the tv and attempt sleep.
Sunday, August 27, 2017, my twenty-eighth birthday which will never be forgotten. We woke up, and before getting out of bed, turned the local news back on. My heart sunk. We watched in horror for hours upon hours of news showing the devastating results of this massive storm. Oh the tremendous damage that was caused in just one night. Bayous full and some over flowing. Streets that had become rivers and houses disappearing with nothing to be seen but the rooftops. I picked up my phone and called my sister. She said that water had flooded her kids playroom and was a foot away from entering their newly purchased home. I called my father but received no answer. A little later he sent me a message with nothing but a single picture of what appeared to be a lake where his neighborhood is. Water had entered his home. The rain continued though it definitely wasn’t anything like the night before. We walked downstairs to see water nearly covering my living room floor. I can’t imagine how much worse it would have been had I not purchased those sand bags. I put on my rain boots and a jacket and we walked out the door to take a look at the status of my apartments. The pool was over its brim, cars parked on curbs to try to avoid flooding, and water everywhere. So much water.
It has now been a little over a week since Hurricane Harvey hit our city. Houston was underwater, and numberless amounts of people lost so much; from their cars, to their homes, and some even their lives. Hearts were shattered as Houstonians climbed into rescue boats with next to nothing to their names but the clothes on their backs and , if lucky enough, a small backpack. The National Guard was called to come do search and rescues in Houston and the cities affected around them. My brother left to meet up with his unit and is still out there giving his service unlikely to come home for the next couple of weeks. A good amount of the water has now receded enough to fully assess the damages. Houston has come together as one to help in any way possible. Shelters opened and donations are being given without hesitation. I have friends that have to completely start over, but my family and I were truly blessed. Yes, we may have dealt with a little bit of water, but when asked about how we were affected by Harvey, we can respond with a heavy but grateful heart saying “not nearly as bad as others”. Houston has shown everyone how strong we are while recovering from this and I could not be more proud to call this city my home.
She needs more from you. You may not understand why she is the way she is; she will forever be a mystery. However, if she gives you all of the tools needed to make her feel loved, use them. She isn’t like this because of you; it’s just who she is. You may see it as needy but we all love differently. You see love as providing for her financially and being there with your presence, but that isn’t the love that she desires. She can pay her own bills. What she craves is affection. A hug when you see her for the first time in a day, holding hands while you walk together, pulling her close to you in the shower just to feel your naked bodies on each other, a kiss at the end of the night before turning over to sleep; this is how love is shown to her. No relationship mimics another, they are all different. Do not make her feel crazy for feeling the way that she does. It is who she is and she will not stray from it. She loves with all that is in her. Just know that you hold you heart in the palm of her hand and can control her every emotion with as little as a look in her direction. Love her, accept her, cherish her, adapt for her. It may not be easy, but I guarantee you she is more that worth it.
Sometimes, reputations are the absolute worst. Yes, you gave the ammunition for people to make these assumptions about you which create certain reputations; the worst part is when you have changed/want to change and no one will believe you because they have no reason to based on prior habits. It’s so frustrating. You wanna understand, but if they want change so badly, why not just have a little faith and trust. Trust. Definitely not an easy word to put into action; especially after being broken so many times. You can’t have a successful relationship without it though. So, I sit here now asking you all what to do next. I mean, you can hope in one hand and shit in another and we know which one will fill up faster. I’m at a loss. Sighs. Gonna call it a night and sleep on it and wish it to magically fix itself tomorrow. While I’m making ridiculous wishes, I wish to be debt free. Night.
Thus begins a new chapter. I knew what I had to do. It was time. I walked up to him and, after a lengthy conversation about our forever love, told him goodbye. I had been needing to do this for a while. No more safety net. It’s time for me to fly on my own and trust myself to stand up and, if I must fall, fall alone. It’s time for me to rely on myself to make the right decisions. I choose to move on. I choose to be happy. I wish the same for him. Until our paths cross again, goodbye.