Today I’m feeling just a little less lost than yesterday. I can’t quite tell you what my next step is; all I know is what I don’t want to do anymore. I don’t want to work in a dead end job. I don’t want to be in this non-relationship with someone who hasn’t yet decided if I am worth giving their time or heart to. I don’t want to be someone’s option when there is someone out there who wants me to be his one-and-only someday. I need to be by myself for a little while. I need to spend more time with my family and friends. I need to find my way and base my choices on what I want/need, instead of basing them on others and how it makes them see me. I need to be selfish. I need to stop comparing myself to others and just be better than I was last year, and the year before. I know I can do this. I know I hold more potential than I am taking advantage of at this time in my life. I know what I need to do; I just don’t really know yet how I am going to go about doing it. Lord, guide me. I need Your help.
I feel so far behind in life. How did I become the one in my class to go on in life and drop out of college and end up here? I could have sworn that I had a more promising future than that kid who slept through nearly every subject and still managed to graduate. I mean, what the actual fuck. Every child gets asked early in life what they wanna be when they grow up. How many grow up and follow through on those “dreams”? I know I didn’t. Looking at my life now, I wish I had. Please tell me I’m not the only nearly 28 year old girl out there who still hasn’t figured out what she’s doing with her life. I can’t be. Every year speeds by, and I swear, just like the last, I say this year will be different. Then, before I know it, it’s gone and another year is wasted trying to “figure it all out”. Why can’t it just be simple? Why can’t I just be told, “Hey! You’re gonna be a teacher when you grow up.” Then, I grow up, and just become one. No. Instead, I dreamt of being a teacher, watched my mother teach little brats for literally 10 years, decided that I would rather not damn near raise the spawns of Satan, and ended up stuck in this limbo of not-knowing-what-the-heck-I-wanna-do-with-my-life for 10 years after high school, and am now sitting on my couch single just typing about it all with red Flamin Hot Cheeto fingers. Sighs. Your move, God; I’m all out of ideas.
A day at a time has been one of my go to mantras for as long as I can remember. I silently quote it to myself often when I am feeling overwhelmed with life. It helps me realize that though we should plan for our future, we can only take one day at a time. No need in stressing over tomorrow, just worry about today. As for today, today was hard. I have had a lot on my mind lately. Started a new job recently that isn’t bringing in the same income as my last, and it’s stressing me out. My bills are piling up and I can’t even attempt to pay the minimum on my credit cards. I’m stuck in one of those stupid modern day relationships where you “date” someone for nearly a fucking year and still don’t have the title of being his girlfriend, and it’s starting to get really fucking old. When did my life come to this? One year ago I was living with my sexy, sweet long-term boyfriend in a cute little house, with a steady, well-paying, promising job, and in the best shape of my life. It’s crazy how far I have fallen. I try to tell myself that I am okay, and to just look forward instead of the past. I try not to compare; it’s nearly impossible. Everything non-boyfriend does wrong, makes me think of what my ex did right. Doesn’t help that my ex has been trying to come back into the picture. My destructive self decided to tell him that I wanted to explore the possibilities with my non-boyfriend. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with me?! I had this perfect happily-ever-after fairy tale of a life, and gave it up for this shit. Oh what I would give to go back in time and change my path. I think of all of this, I stress the fuck out, I struggle with my sobriety (that’s another story), and I make myself take a deep breath and say, “a day at a time”. Life throws shit at us at every corner. We just have to choose to make the best of it and move on. I struggle with letting the past go, but I must. Fact is, it’s the past. Things will never be the way they were, even if I did go back to my ex. Just gotta hold my head up high, and take it one step at a time.
I feel that I live a semi-interesting life and have been journaling lately. I spontaneously decided to write for others to read instead. Maybe reading my nonsense may help someone else; maybe me knowing that someone else can read it, will help me. Regardless, here goes nothing. I can’t really tell you what to expect from all of this, or even narrow it down to a specific genre. I just plan to put all that consumes my mind into this blog and whatever I deem worthy to tell others about.
I have been through so much in my life and feel like telling the world a piece of it, and possibly over-dramatizing the rest. Besides, being dramatic is what I’ve been told that I do best. So, let’s see how this goes…